She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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