u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Girls should come with a carfax report
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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