Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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