i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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