I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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