If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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