I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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