just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
