I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
