There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
