I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
