Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
