I can tuck mytits in my pants
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
