i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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