I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
