I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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