My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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