A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i believe in u and ur pee
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
