Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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