I can tuck mytits in my pants
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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