I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
