Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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