If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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