She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
