Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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