apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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