i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
