I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
