I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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