We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
