my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
