im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
