My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
