She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
