I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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