I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
