I wish I only lived at night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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