I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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