he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
