had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
