She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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