well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
