now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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