Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
