I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
