If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
