omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
