it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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