If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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