How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
