Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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