hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
