So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
