why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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